07 May, 2022

I woke up at 5AM, slept at 2.30. I had yet another panic attack - seized my body - I felt like wailing, I felt my stomach kneading and churning, I was feeling agitated, I was sweaty, the tip of my fingers were cold all of a sudden, the heart kissed 109BPM. Not a good sign, none of it was. Yet, I carried my frail disheveled strings and wrapped them around me with a stamp of faith and dusted some sparkle of confidence to it. I feel numb. A feeling seldom yet tormenting. The last time I felt something like this, I was reaved of my ebullient essence of mine. I am not quite happy with the way I am turning out to be - It feels so stifling in here, like someone is groping my peace and I am being the unsolicited victim of teenage depression. I don't want that, I was never like this, what is wrong with me, maybe I need to push a little harder? Maybe take a break? But what if the break exceeds the limit and I fall behind this world? Anyways, I went about the revision - I had my final terms starting from today, the first one to toast me was - chemistry, with its minions : physical, organic and inorganic chemistry. I had done five chapters with determination but without questions - still I was competent enough to pull it off quite cheekily. I showered and left with mum and my brother. The waiting and waiting outside my center was the worst part.

 I was outside, and Sany nudged by - again that deceptive fake concern and those layered and false lies of her too not studying and her too being in home chores. That much is what I am accustomed to expecting from her by now, what rolled next - slammed in me so hard that I went shaky - AGAIN.

I popped early, and when she came - a taunt rolled - where is your group, you alone today. I muttered, they are on their way. She smirked and I excused myself.

I was very worried about me screwing up in today’s exam when I saw mum - I thought she left after dropping me but nope - she was there looking gorgeous than ever, her eyes asking me to calm down, her face asking me to go proved my worth - I flew to her and wrapped my arms around her hugs and started crying - she was astounded by me being this unpredictable - yet she kissed me. Whilst, getting off of her and allowing her, her respected space, my eyes caught Sanya's direction and she rolled her eyes with pure disgust, I shrugged it off. 

She didn't come to meet mum, My mother went to her - she slipped, “all the best honey” to her. Ray came to mum, Matt did - she blessed my group, I walked her through other characters of my group - Heather and Nuff. She left soon after. 

Sany I wish you much worse, get lost Bitch. I am very much glad I am not good at the dirty games you pull with Truce. You called friendship? Where was it? Why could I never feel it? The band you gave me - what was that for? I fought with Truce, I made my edge clear - why the fuck were you twisting things at your end then? Whatever it is, you used me pretty good emotionally - very much honesty forwarded - FUCK YOU BITCH. I don't hate you, you’re not worthy of my hatred, I despise you, I pity you.

Matt began catering to me -  I was trying to fake smiles and jokes -futile.

I don't know why but I heard my name, when my eyes stalked the voice, Viola! It was Sany again - this time with Truce and Mon. Looking at me, sniggering and murmuring. My wall of hopes and trust just got flooded by deception - AGAIN.

She chipped,

Shattered later. 

Loathing the figure, face - skin,

Loathing the altruism, rapport - decisions

For the sake of her, she rose

She rose slowly

To get slaughtered AGAIN.

I have never said this before, But I need help. Help me.

I don't wanna get depressed like 11th again. Help me.

I am crying again and it's not fun. Help me.

I am getting agitated again. Help me.

I feel confused and wasted. Help me.

I need help. Help me.

It happened to me in 10th grade. That time I was a solid topper with nothing less than straight A’s, the only thing I was deprived of was - self-confidence. The only thing I was over-nourished by was - Self-doubts.

I had all the girls of 10th grade, mocking, whispering and laughing at me, I could do nothing but sink inside.

It happened today - AGAIN.

I had the one who used to call me her best friend - mocking me today, laughing and despising me with the same people she used to condemn.

My confidence dropped to the bottom, hands shaky, mind cluttered mess. I didn't want to give the exam either - I just wanted to puke, I didn't.

In reconsideration ,

Back in 10th - two years ago -

I was friendless

I had no confidence in myself.

I was a topper (Still I only scored 89%, after slurping the whole web, after scoring the toughest questions, after being the only student right in answering the toughest question among all sections, It’s shameful I didn't score in boards).

I used to cry and have copious amounts of anxiety episodes.

Now, in 12th - two years later -

I am friendless but I have a boyfriend.

I have no confidence in myself. I am still the same coward.

I am no more the topper. I suck.

I now get Panic attacks.

My graph had been downhill only, what a shame, what a shame. What went wrong? How come my friendships don't last? Why do people despise my guts so much? Why am I this ugly? Why was I born? WHY AM I THIS USELESS??

I have no answers.

I felt distant from people who were once mine… I felt distant to the person I could call my person. I felt distant of Larry. I was standing on the bridge alone today - dragging myself to reach somewhere - alone this time, he had taken the road now - I hope he reaches his destiny.

My ego said to my defense ,  I don't want friends anymore. 

But the brutal candor was,  They don't want me anymore.

I hate to feel powerless. I hate this shit. I should have never agreed on going to those late night VC calls, I might have never gotten friends, I might never get hurt like this again. 

Any-fucking-ways, I went to my respective room. Sat and said, keep going, don't stop - fly Diksha..

Paper came, I did. Bad.

I felt invisible, I have felt that way many times - but today it was piercing me - I was feeling like puking , I was feeling sick of feeling sick, I wanted to escape, I wanted to bunk my way home, I wanted to be left out.

As soon as I dashed the paper in the legislature's hand - I made a sprint, the quest was to avoid all the deadly eye contacts and everyone. I ran.

I ran only to get trapped by Matt.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CAME MATT RIFLE. 

LEAVE THIS STINKING BITCH ALONE MATT

I FEEL UGLY MATT. 

GO AWAY MATT.

He is quite resistant and adamant on what he needs to do. He doesn't leave me to be. He stayed. He constantly cheered me, He was trying so bad - He was being so sweet again, He was so considerate, He is the best - he doesn't deserve me. I am a piece of murk and he is a piece of liveliness, He deserves better.

He was giving me side hugs, nudges, pep talks – all the way till we departed. I begged him to go, he didn’t.

I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to come clean about how I was feeling, I didn’t.

I sat in the uber - I didn't make eye contact and said goodbye, take care.

The moment the wheels made four whole revolutions - tears rolled down the eyes, followed by another, followed by another and then I was a mess of salty tears and snuffling - trying my best to keep the voices inside.

I couldn’t cry in front of mum - she was always right -

She alarmed me about getting attached with friends,

She condemned me going in VC’s

She warned me about studying

She scolded me about my demeanor 

She was always right.

I have nothing left to do. No friends. No knowledge. No scope.

I cried a lot in uber, wiped my face. Rang the bell and filled mum about the exam. I excused myself for bathing, I sat on the floor and crawled. I cried. My arms wrapped around my knees, chest rubbing against the thighs, belly convexly arrayed, hairs scattered across the face. I can't bathe in cold water but I did today. The water was weaker in range to the treatment people were giving me.

I hate all of them.

I hate all of them.

I don't want friends.

I don't want friends.

I plopped on the bed and slept. Dreamt no one, but Matt Rifle.

PLOT -

It was a really lavish house, chandeliers shimmering, golden kissed furniture, a big living room and the bedrooms connected in compartments - Large ones.

I don't like big spaces, but I was comfortable there.

I was in a very loose outfit and there was Matt's aunt, complementing my flavor of apparel. I saw Kenny (Matt's sister), she was appreciating and noting details of the comfort I was radiating.

We drank coffee in the hall and then the aunt got busy running some errands, his sister got a call and she had to leave pronto.

I was left alone with Matt. Before, I could offer something to him - he dragged me to his room. His room had a couch in front of a TV and then on the other side laid the king sized bed with his walk-in closet. He sat on the couch and pulled me to him. I sat beside him. The room was allowing the golden sunlight to stalk in the room, adding wonders to the beauty of his room. 

There was nothing but silence and before we both knew it, the silence was disturbed by the soft sounds of smooches. My hands supporting his chin and his hands caressing my cheeks and our noses working like slaves to catch more and more air. Our lips shamelessly smacked against one another, gliding, biting, aggressive yet tender. It started out shy, I - ruffling his hair, he - admiring and tasting my body - then the act was dropped and the desperation was leaking bad - the best next thing, we were rocking wild. A kiss that did me wonders, his hairs, his hands, his lips - him. We didn't do anything sexual, yet we were having so much fun. Us, just Us. I was kissing his ears, never leaving his hairs. He was sliding his lips to my neck, his arms rigidly slamming me towards him, fingers working back and forth, from waist to arms.

 I loved us, I felt wanted, I felt loved, I felt protected, I felt beautiful. He made it easy for me.

The door opened a chink and I jumped, snapping back to reality - It was his maid, he shooed her off and pulled me to him. The most surprising and awe-sticking part was - it was him this time. Unclad - Unclad, he's very weak at taking charges and it was him doing and taking the upper hand this time. Him pulling me, him working on my features, complimenting and glorifying them with his kisses. We were comfortable, appreciable, admirable and lovable. I have never seen Matt smiling and shining like that but there he was never leaving me. One second I tried roaming in the space - he pulled me close to his chest - his heart was relaxed, his arms were around me, his lips complimenting my forehead. 

The dream was a nice hit. Now that I consider it hard, I believe - I was guilty and hence the dream.  I was enjoying it too, with him, around him but I was never the charge leader, he was. This allows me to think, I was feeling convicted about keeping him at disposable the whole day, and so as to rectify my mistake, I succumbed myself before him. And him being the naive kid ready to leap on the candy, he leapt and stayed. 

I feel bad again, I am going to maybe get an Ice-cream maybe. I will sleep, The day did me the worst. I am at my worst today. I will get up tomorrow, against everyone else. I hate everyone. I don't want any help. No one will ever love me the way I love them. I hate them. I HATE THEM.