27 April, 2022

I wanna cry… just cry and flee somewhere unreachable, untraceable, unlovable and unreadable. I just wanna disappear  - not for eternity, but for quite a time. A time to mend the scraps. I love him. I do. I must. He loves me too. I might love him. I might be obligated. 

This can't be - he showers me with so much tenderness, he is such a little sweet heart. Why do I feel like, I have been wrapped and this thin wire of “bafflement” is garroting me. I was talking to him, and the murk was just licking the best of me - pressing me to be a bit hollow, a bit more jaded, a bit more torn. But, I was holding things well. He saw some discrepancy and slipped a thousand repetitions of the same question - what happened.

What should I tell him?? I feel identity crises. I feel choked.

I feel unfamiliar at my own little home - between my own people. I am being forced and emotionally compressed to perform the obligations. I feel like I will fail and all of it would come crashing down. That I start to shiver, my nerves start to crumble, my stature starts to twitch and the next thing I can deal with - I am fidgeting. What should I tell him? I lack confidence unlike him. I feel shy coming clean about the talents I hold and hence me being the lack sheep. Where do I even begin my rant from?

He asked and I passed. He asked again and I passed again.He had his emotions going on and before I could pour mine, he went all in and out about his.

Maybe it’s the reciprocation that holds me. He’s too loud and open - I am that too but not with the people I love - I am more of a quiet heart beating with and for the people I love,, when I am around them. 

I like to listen, he likes to speak.

I like to laylow, he likes to go bonkers.

I like to reciprocate, he likes to act.

I like altruism, he gets lost in selfishness.

I like boundaries and space, he likes butt-to-butt.

I like silence, he likes dank memes.

I like experiences, he likes self-help books.

I like mystery-thrillers, he likes disney world.

What can I say. It’s tempting enough to get me to stay, on account of me bleeding.

Is this toxic? Is it bad? Or is this just love?

It started with, eye contacts, stealing glances, talking with utmost pride and slipping the ciphers. It was so good, It sometimes is. Aah…. why the fuck did I break my oath and went slamming in relationships again.

It is what it is, I gotta chime in, hustle and do it regardless. One wheel out of two punchers and this cycle of us comes crashing down.

I am never this type of melancholic, but he hit the nail right to the nub of my sleeping demons. He did, and he knows it.

I was speaking to him and kenny (a friend) popped in. we were connected on a video call and he was volatile. Singing his lore of sadness again, and me being me - I was digesting and absorbing the murk he was spilling.

His family being toxic, failing to appease him, him failing to fit the locks, him failing as a son and as a brother, him seeing his crash, him feeling worthless prig, him being a burden, him being a failure, him feeling stifled at his own home, his mother pushing his embrace. All of it was eating him - and so I was extending my best to let the murk ditch him and get me. I know I am a really dumb bitch at times.

He was on a loop, playing the murk and murk only - then Kenny too joined the VC. Kenny sensed the intensity and grew apprehensive - he was toxic in the beginning too but then hey, he’s quite a softie too - seeing Matt in this state made Kenny dead-ass worried. He asked concerned - but for a very eerie reason Matt snapped. 

Badly - toxic - it was not him - straight for a good 4 minutes - It was like the worst part of him came to the picture. He was violent, ruthless, un-thoughtful and derogatory about the concern displayed. He snapped like nothing but a fanatic. Like I have seen my father do seldom times with my mother. Kenny went numb, I frozen. The snap was a 2 minute - barbaric episode of him channelizing his murk in the wrong vessel.

Maybe not his fault, maybe it was all too much for him, maybe that’s not much of a deal. 

But - the - snap - proved - otherwise. 

I saw a glimpse of a person, I never knew. I've seen how this slavery works, without actually acquiring the conscious attention of a human mind. One partner, snaps out of the blue - the other gets baffled and then worries, then feels scared, reconsiders the considerations but the snappy partner manages to talk the other one into staying and lending one more chance. This one last chance entwines into a lore of dread and a series of episodes followed by nothing but agony and regrets. Right steps at the right time can make or break things, especially when it's some teenage relationship. I grew paler, paler than I would've liked myself to be - all the series of events I've ever heard and seen of happening in a relationship were playing in my little messy mind. Kenny dropped the video call. 

Matt knew at once that the damage had slipped, and there's no cover ups this time. I was questioning a lot of things. Little little holes and before you begin to overlook more - you get slammed in a pit of them without your consent. Yes, I am in love. Yes, I am a shambled teen but hey, my practicality hits the note of a fanatic frenzy with a zest of rationality. 

He repeatedly went on with, what happened  Austie? Talk Austie? You good? I am sorry, it was…  I don't know myself…  that was not me, I have more to myself, Austie talk… 

I said nothing. I left. Inhaled some deep breaths and rejoined again. I ran against my principles. 

First error occurred. 

I gave him the undesirable slack. 

I let my guards down.

I ditched my principles for you.

How far will you trawl me through this ocean of love Matt Rifle, how far?

I am negated with quite a few pacts in my life - especially when this life is revolving around relations - and Matt Rifle, you are turning my world upside down. It’s either for the greatest murk or the greatest glory - we will know it - soon enough Matt Rifle, soon enough.

I was quite slammed by all the pessimism, all the doubts - still knocking them off - I swam, swam for him - towards him. I rejoined the VC. He was looking pale but I was more, maybe a few shades more. He said nothing - he was lying on his tummy, the same stature and position he maintains when he screws up the most, the same tight-shut eyes, the same hanging hands down the bed, the same oozing vein on his forehead, the same empty swallows of anxiety, with the only difference - only this time I wasn't touched. I was rather horrified, in the state of denial, in the state of regret, in the state of thorough dubious demeanor. I was repulsing harder than the love I did.

Yet, I went about a pop quiz - to evaporate the toxic omens.

I was adamant on slipping some pensive and delicate questions in between them. It is not my fault, I was highly inebriated by the emptiness and the cold emotions slaughtering and freezing my altruism. 

He rolled the answers with so much craftsmanship, that I was amazed how well he hides the murk. 

I loathe you.

I was convinced.

Convinced more than ever.

Conviction, followed by hatred sized my numb body.

He was a mistake. 

A mistake of my emotions. 

A mistake of my altruism.

A mistake of my frail planet - who gave shelter to this parasite

I said, night and logged off. In the hope of never coming back. Never again. But it does not work the way you want, does it? Neither is that - Life is a wish granting factory, is it?

So, the next day happened to be the 26th….

I ghosted him. As I said, ' I never wanted to come back. ' but hey, it's my life again, where I make the rules only to break them and the cause of me breaking the rules, ends up breaking me. 

I hate it all so much, yet I get attracted to it. It's the universe or it's my altruistically dumb self. 

By the night of the 26th, I read the document we shared, I got texts, I got bombarded with discord paragraphs. 

Texts barking his misery, texts vouching for his conviction, texts singing nothing but - "I am sorry panda, come back". I got a little uneasy… . Maybe a little too much…  dialled kenny, dialled Ray, texted heather and we were all ready to blast some positivity on that frail parasite. 

We joined the discord, and shouted, smiled, giggled, played, talked… . During all that, I couldn't aid my thoughts but spot how shambled he was looking. He grew older in that 24 hours. He looked so frail. I felt terrible and bitter about that all. I was toxic - couldn't help but I was, I left after pleading for some distance and time. He never said another testament to stop me this time. 

I left him on his birthday, a toxic gift from a toxic girlfriend. 

The next day - the 27th, he was 18, my senior and he looked berated, jaded, tired and crumbled. 

I picked the phone, scooted my mother against the camera, pleaded Derek (My brother) against the camera and we all wished and sent love to him. He did cheer up - just a little. Now that I just thrust nails in my heart, I was bleeding. 

I was bleeding for myself, 

And when I heard he was sinking, 

The next thing I knew, 

I began bleeding for him, 

My misery was abandoned for him

Just to abandon me at the end. 

We all planned to drop by his house and surprise him with love, love and love - a pinch of hope and a zest of optimism drizzled on top. I just wanted him happy, I wanted him alive, I wanted him healing, I wanted him - I want you Matt Rifle. I will get jaded Matt, this will ruin me Matt.